In the future we'll all be gay
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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