A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
