I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
