i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
