people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
