I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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