if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My cat gives me a boner
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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