Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
how drunk are you?
Several
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
