Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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