i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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