Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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