I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
did i walk over a car last night?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
