The maid of honor just puked.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
