Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
