no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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