remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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