Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
