I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
