Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
