i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
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The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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