I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
