Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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