the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
