I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
