Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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