Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
