$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
