My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
