My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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