Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
