YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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