i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
