Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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