She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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