so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
