You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
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Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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