She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
