I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
