I'm so fucking centered right now
My liver just broke up with me...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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