I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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