I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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