did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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