You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
