just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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