I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am available for nakedness
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
