He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's no shave November. This is our time.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
