From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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