I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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