I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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