i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
