I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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