Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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