Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
