Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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