I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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