Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
