Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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