and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
